Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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