Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
