I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
