We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
