I murdered the dance floor call the cops
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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