So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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