and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
