someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
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