the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
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