Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
