We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
