Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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