is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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