cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize