you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
