I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
