You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
