I wish I could teleport
I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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