I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
