i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
