i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
