this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
