Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I woke up under a house in Key West
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
