So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
