So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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