Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
