So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
