I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
The beer is more important than you right now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
