i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
