My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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