Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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