Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
