I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
