He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You're like the curious george of whores
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
