By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
