god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
