I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Quick, to the slutcave!
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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