BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
As shirtless as possible
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
