Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
