Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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