mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
