Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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