I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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