Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
How does it feel to date your dad?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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