You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
