Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
