If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I want a musical about memes.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize