my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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