I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Someone came in the potted fern
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
