I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
