Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
