bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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