My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
