I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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