The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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