i already hear my dad disowning me
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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