Got a toothbrush?
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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